Grasping PART I

Grasping

Lamentations 3

Who I am is not who I was…
and who I was is not who I am.

I am good at many things and excellent at a few things. I am good at writing, at giving people advice on certain topics; I am good at tennis and other sports. I am, however, excellent at make believe, at hiding and playing dress up. I am excellent at pushing aside; pushing down and living behind a mask. To the point that I don't know who I am, other then the pain that I have lived with for a very long time, that is my identity, pain. The fear is, if I am healed from it…who will I be? What will that look like?

I went out for coffee with two friends the other night, not intending to confront my worst fear, but finally understanding what another friend had been telling me for days. You see he told me that it was as if I didn't want to be healed. I snapped back "you don't understand".

My heart has been so heavily wandering, swaging this way and that- questioning and asking what if and why; shouting to an all-knowing God, challenging Him to tame the ragging storm that has imbedded itself in me so deeply for as long as I can remember. And the great Shalom has been begging me to let go, to let Him utter words of such sweet release, reaching out in the great darkness that has painted my soul- to let me know that there is light, if only I allow Him to speak it over me.

Many nights ago I told BP that no one understands me, they either tell me to stop taking live so seriously or to stop living my faith so passionately. As tears fell, the phone buzzed, delivering me a reply saying, "God does" and as I fell apart once again, I was only reminded that God did, and yet my heart wondered why He hasn't taken this pain from me.

And looking at the scars I wonder if they are there to serve as a reminder. I wonder if I will look back at this time and view myself as a child wondering in the desert and God reminding me that He brought me out of Egypt, a land of slavery, into the Promise land- but in order to get there I must first go through the desert and wilderness. And in the time spent wondering He hopes that by my own choice I might desire to establish a deep relationship with Him.