Its been so long since I've wrote anything on this, so long that I've thought about deleting it....so much has happened with in these past two years, even within this past year. I don't know who I am, and when I look back I see who I was shapping into and though there were aspects that I didn't like, I still long for some of the things I was shapping into. For example, I love making people smile, laughing ....having my mind busy on writing stories, or how I could encourage a friend that day, or....my mind is so much in a daze right now I don't know where to start...


I want to go back but I don't think He will forgive me.....I want to rest in Him again and just not think about anything,....I want my heart back! no.....I want Him to have my heart...and hide it so deep that NO ONE will EVER find it again!

I just want what they have......the joy and peace that I see.....the love of 20 plus years.....holding hand gray haired and totally in love gently holding hands.

dreams...

I've been plagued with dreams lately...some disturbing, some intriguing, some extremely fast-paced....but they exhaust me and it leaves me feeling like I've been hit by a semi!

Photos I've found...

New, Old, and Now

Does it look like this sometimes???

When days are cloudy and all of a sudden, a brake in the grayish black sky and light dawns, pierces through.

Pain....

My pain may not be your pain....but it's still pain. It still pierces the hardest of hearts. It still hinders us from soaring like majestic birds. It enables us, paralyzing our every move, it may even blind us from something that could be so good, whether that be something new or something that has taken a lot of effort.

CPR? Stubberness, Tempered, seeking...

I don't know how to feel right now. I miss my PAPA a lot. I don't even know if I can enter into a conversation with Him, or if He will let me.

I feel like something new and challenging is on the way....

I am going through a hard time of CPR....it hurts to start my heart back up again. So much has changed, for the better, for the worst.

I have learned something HUGE about myself, and I don't think "finding who you are" will ever stop not until you meet up with your PAPA someday.

I want to cry and scream, but I want people to know that I want to be a women of strength and faith. That I know I have faults and insecurities. But I am a good person, one worth getting to know, and I'm worth a great deal....

I don't know how I feel, so I don't know who to write............Writers block....sigh.

sometimes this world of mine makes no sense.......sometimes its crazy........and yet I find moments like these that give me hope, joy, and peace. Hope that things will work out, joy that though my heart and soul are weak, its is then that I realize I am in the place, and peace that I know that in any situation and at any time I can retreat to a place where water is flowing and there is a tree for shade.

P.S.
I've got so much dirt on me!