I DIDN’T MEAN TO REMEMBER

I DIDN’T MEAN TO REMEMBER


I didn’t mean to remember…
But they collided- innocents with pain of Age.

I didn’t mean to remember…
all the joy the moments brought me-
Adventure thrilling, meaning seeking, hope holding.
What’s a bleeding heart suppose to do
When the disease it holds is the enemy who keeps it captive.

I didn’t mean to remember…
The sunshine’s rays coursing through the tender touches
Or coffee chocolate swirls and sometimes robbing blue brilliance
Drawing me in deeper until all is engulfed.

I didn’t mean to remember…
The sweet sent of a spring’s rain on my cheeks- my neck
As you breathed in…and out.

I didn’t mean to remember…
The song of melodies endless breath
Of the crescendo of mid-nights echo,
Or the beckoning call of waters plea.

I didn’t mean to remember…
REALLY I DIDN’T

My Hand in Yours

Your Hand in Mine

Are you ready to let go? Whatever may come…are you ready to let go? Is your head clear of things that suffocated you for so long?You see my fellow traveler; I have been down this broken road many of times. I have seen the hardships and failures, and wondered myself if the road would ever end. I have seen the seasons change, sometimes all too quickly. It's hard to open your eyes at times, to wonder where you're at. Sometimes you run so fast that you miss the hidden beauty the path maker wanted so desperately for you to see. Sometimes the rain pelted so hard, you couldn't see the path a head of you.Have you ever wondered if you are right; if you strayed somewhere between then and now? I have, I have wondered what went wrong. Why it was so easy and then got so tuff. My shoes have become worn and my clothes tattered. My own stubbornness has gotten in the way. Never stopping for a rest, under the many Olive Tree's I've seen along the way.I walk along your side my hand open to your left. But you haven't looked down to find it, sometimes I wonder if you ever will. It is there to tell you that I have walked down this road many times. It yearns to tell you that you are not a lone. I have seen you before my fellow traveler; I have seen the greatness inside of you. Once upon a time you let it shine, giving me someone to look up to, I admired you and still do.

But wonder if you will ever find my hand, letting you know, I have been here too.

Traveler

A sea of strangers, the many people I have met along the way. But none, none like you. You have held my gaze through this dense fog. At times you have blended in, hiding your face, and then suddenly appear, like a ghost from the past and a dream from the future. My fellow traveler who are you? Your striking similarities are hard to push aside. As I walk faster you begin to blend in again, and so very rarely do you look back and when you do, such sadness in your eyes. However, there are those glimpses of light. Such brilliant light, a smile plays on your lips as if to ask me to dance a long with you, and then you're gone. Most times, my fellow traveler when I see you, confusion paints your face. You walk as if in a trance, not knowing to turn right or left, or to go straight ahead.A sea of black and white, like flowers on a blank canvas, they disappear and come back. But you, you my fellow weary traveler, when you come out from hiding- I see colors, so bright one cannot describe. Faces aghast with just one look, astonished by the striking similarity of you and I.

I have met many of strangers along the way, but none, none like you.

Pages

I feel a little more @ peace- god doesn’t seem non-existent any more - and much more closer then id imagined. When I wanted to quit- scrap the whole story - he pleaded with me to read more and I do have to admit it has been pretty interesting- b was right- he spent so much time writing the story- he constantly is asking me - read more it gets better I promise!

Chapter by chapter.....comes pain and agony. Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve the Joy He wants me to have. And yet there are many more chapters of Joy, excitement and wonder…..The author suggest that I not concentrate on the pain and agony as a enemy, but as stepping stones….of a “how to not” chapters and though hard to get through these chapters…..I will be stronger because of them.

Someone once told me that their relationship with God was much different then mine. They said that, in everything I do, no matter what happens....I ALWAYS turn back to God....ALWAYS....

I guess its second nature for me....to turn back to the one thing that has been so constant in my life....what words of reassurance...that though there are times, days in which I serve a God that seems to be non-existent to me......or at least a God that seem so far away........He reminds me of how close to me HE REALLY IS!

KEEP READING....IT GETS BETTER I PROMISE!

His Hands

I worked today...Thanksgiving.....in a way it put myself in a place of re-evaluating my position in the Hospital.

Today I spent the majority of my day delivering bereavement carts to families....to have a family member die on a holiday really crushed my heart. I know what you are thinking, wow you are really emotional....

but there is something about walking up to a room, a person who is lying life-less in a bed, with family members who are standing around, red eyed and tears rolling down their checks......and when they see you they are filled with appreation and words of "You really didn't have to go to the trouble....thank you so much"

and all I could do is think.........my service is NOTHING compared to your situation........!!!

IT WAS MY GREATEST PLEASURE TO SERVE YOU THIS THANKSGIVING.....I truly was grateful to be able to serve Christ in this manner.........please pray for the families who have to deal with death this Holiday....they need your prayers!

The Oreo PART I

The Oreo

by God

In the spirit of continuing someone's interesting train of thought (he's talking about one of my posts), this evening I found myself imagining God Himself, explaining to me - in conversation, the greatness that is 'the Oreo'.

Side note: I don't think God says hi unless you haven't talked in a while. My thoughts are that if you talk to Him all the time, it's more like continuing the conversation and in doing so, the need for an additional introductional beginning, such as exchanging 'hi's and hello's', is pretty much worthless. That said, I think this is how it'd go:

God: Dude, check it out!

(At that point, both of the following two events happen simultaneously. For the first time ever, I look at a quadrupedally stuffed Oreo and angels sing.)

Me: Wow God! What's that?!?

God: I call it "The Oreo"!

Me: What's an Orrrreeeeeeoooooo?!?

God: This here's a delicious cream filling sandwiched between two perfectly circular chocolate cookies… simply put, it's the only perfect cookie in the universe. Taste wise, the combination of the two equal something similar in greatness to the visual equivalent of witnessing me create your earth or seeing first hand, my Son heal a cripple, or experiencing the mystery and awe of the opposite sex for the first time…

Me: Sorta like the bread at Jimmy John's right?!?

God: Ah no... not so much…

Me: Then it's like the salmon at Carrabba's?!?

God: Ah, well... no… no, not really…

Me: What about a mouthful of chocolate syrup, by itself?!?

God: N… (sigh) First, that's… it's… that's just wrong… and no… Not even close…

Me: What?!? Don't hate what's great! Haha…

(The Lord just gives me a look… kinda like how everybody else does when I make a stupid joke.)

(Then there's a long but perfectly comfortable break in our conversation during which, I continue to stare in awe at His 'Oreo'…)

Me: So… Can I have it?!?

God: That depends…

Me: On?!?

God: On whether or not you're going to appreciate it.

Me: Are you serious Lord?!? Do you know who you're talking to?!?

God: Better than anybody else.

Me: You had to say it didn't you Lord.

God: I did.

Me: Seriously God… Have I ever not appreciated something you gave me?!?

God: Do you really want to go there?

Me: Well… I… I don't know Lord… Do I?!?

(He gives me another look.)

Me: I'll give you a dollar for it. Ten! Ten dollars!

God: I don't want your money.

Me: How bout' my laptop… Or my car… I'll give you my car for the cookie!

God: I don't want your stuff.

Me: Well, what do you want then?!? All I have is my laptop and my car and a little bit of money… What else is there?!? What else can I offer you for that Oreo?!?

God: I want you to give me your junk.

Me: My junk.

God: Your junk.

The Oreo PART II

THE OREO

By God

Me: And what exactly do you mean by "my junk"?

God: Your junk. Your crap. All of the stuff you keep trying to make sense of… Your past. Your regrets, failures, all of the lies you've told. Your mistakes, screw-ups, and bad choices. All of the hurt you've caused. The hearts you've broken. I want it all. I want you to give me everything you keep trying to figure out… everything you keep trying to fix. I want all of it.

(Silence)

Me: I don't know God.

God: You've already given me your life. What's a little junk?!?

Me: But it's not a little junk… I can't just… I've got to…

God: So you don't want the Oreo?!?

Me: Well… I mean, of course I want the Oreo… but my… what about my… I've… I can't just... I've got to fi…

God: No you don't. I'll take care of everything. Give me your junk and I'll give you my Oreo and you can take a bite outta heaven while I work my Godgic (at this point he'll wink at me because he just used my word… which is essentially His word… and it'll be sweet cause He's God and that would just be awesome to have God use your/His word, in conversation, with you.)

Me: My junk. For the Oreo.

God: Your junk for My Oreo.

Me: How Lord?

God: "Think. Do. And."

Me: "Think… Do… And…"

(At this point, I'll think about giving God my junk. Then by the process of thought and the doing-ness of heart and mind, I'll actually give God my junk. And then He'll give me His Oreo and I'll experience wave after wave of the awesomest possible mouth-gasm known to anyone, ever.)

(And I'll continue to experience that for the rest of my days because I finally gave God all my junk.)

Now… what's the moral of the story?!? If you give God your junk, He'll somehow make sure that your parents pick up a tray of 'Double Stuffed Oreo's' from Meijer while they're on sale. He'll then let you eat the vast majority (but not all) of the contents of the package, within about a day and a half - mind you, without getting sick… He'll also somehow make sure that you get to eat the last two in the container. By His will alone, you'll somehow come up with the genius idea of eating the top cookie off of each Oreo, giving yourself two, 2/3's of an Oreo, pieces with which you can squish together, cream filling to cream filling, essentially recreating that perfect cookie the way God intended it to be eaten!

The End.

Special thanks for Nebisco and God for making my night!

JOY

Imagine,

if you will, with me- A warm summer’s day, the sun as golden as the coins that jingle in your pocket. He invites you to sit.....you settle down as your long black hair gently sways in the sweet wind. He takes your hand and beckons, with such excitement in one touch....and you wonder.....wonder why me, what beauty does He find in me....that I should be called His Queen....and you sit....the tall green grass tickles your legs and arms, and such color He paints with! Such deep shades of Green, eluding to something new, something that has not yet come, but is on the verge of breaking forth!

Gazing into the eyes of this new love, you expect yourself to shrink back, becoming all-to familiar with the pain that floods your heart....but it never comes. Shocked that you cannot take your eyes off this man you gaze longer...

You lie down with Him....in the grass, the tall grass...a strange noise rises up from the deepest part of you.....it gets louder stunned you find it to be giggles, gut laughter....and your eyes shine with a Joy that no one can fathom. They dance with the Fire of the His Spirit...light emanates from your being....and you find yourself telling Him that He is silly. "It’s not a bunny, it’s a cat", rolling your eyes with contagious laughter your glance back to the baby blue sky....

No cares, you living in Him - He living in you...............


That’s who Jesus tells me I am...........once a vague memory.........now coming to life.......REALLY JESUS!?!


NOTE: I was in the prayer house about two days after I wrote "Grasping" that’s when He asked me to close my eyes and that’s when Jesus and I had a talk....or a laugh......either way.....It was GREAT!

Grasping PART I

Grasping

Lamentations 3

Who I am is not who I was…
and who I was is not who I am.

I am good at many things and excellent at a few things. I am good at writing, at giving people advice on certain topics; I am good at tennis and other sports. I am, however, excellent at make believe, at hiding and playing dress up. I am excellent at pushing aside; pushing down and living behind a mask. To the point that I don't know who I am, other then the pain that I have lived with for a very long time, that is my identity, pain. The fear is, if I am healed from it…who will I be? What will that look like?

I went out for coffee with two friends the other night, not intending to confront my worst fear, but finally understanding what another friend had been telling me for days. You see he told me that it was as if I didn't want to be healed. I snapped back "you don't understand".

My heart has been so heavily wandering, swaging this way and that- questioning and asking what if and why; shouting to an all-knowing God, challenging Him to tame the ragging storm that has imbedded itself in me so deeply for as long as I can remember. And the great Shalom has been begging me to let go, to let Him utter words of such sweet release, reaching out in the great darkness that has painted my soul- to let me know that there is light, if only I allow Him to speak it over me.

Many nights ago I told BP that no one understands me, they either tell me to stop taking live so seriously or to stop living my faith so passionately. As tears fell, the phone buzzed, delivering me a reply saying, "God does" and as I fell apart once again, I was only reminded that God did, and yet my heart wondered why He hasn't taken this pain from me.

And looking at the scars I wonder if they are there to serve as a reminder. I wonder if I will look back at this time and view myself as a child wondering in the desert and God reminding me that He brought me out of Egypt, a land of slavery, into the Promise land- but in order to get there I must first go through the desert and wilderness. And in the time spent wondering He hopes that by my own choice I might desire to establish a deep relationship with Him.

GRASPING: PART II

GRASPING: PART II

I am beginning to feel the deep mercy and Grace God has given me. I am starting to see the Love that He offers me, not because I love Him, but because He loves me. I am beginning to understand people in a new light and I understand their pain more. Sometimes I wonder if this is Gods way of softening my heart and opening my eyes to people who seem to be untouchable.
When SJB asked me what was the one thing I was hanging onto…I didn't know how to put it into words other then "hope". CD smiled at me one rainy day and reminded me that the three characteristics of God were…. "Hope, faith, and love…" I truly believe deep down, past the layers of pain, hope resides…God resides…

JB reminds me that we serve a God of detail, a God of persistence, and utmost companionship, He will go anywhere any time for whatever reason just to show us that He is head-over-heals in love with us, desiring the truest form of a relationship- Him dwelling in us as we dwell in Him.

From the book The Shack author William Young explains through choice characters, "Consider our little friend here," she began, "most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around." She paused to let Mack think about her statement. "You, on the other hand were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around… Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly…and if left unattended for very long, you can almost forget that you were able to fly in the first place.

What profound meaning yet simply stated….at least for me. I am going through yet another tuff time and despite my initial thoughts of why I was going through it, I am only now beginning to see that God or "Papa" is asking me to dig deeper, perhaps deeper then I prefer to dig inside me, to have me shout the questions my soul and heart desperately want an answer to.

As I continue to dig deeper I am able to let go of the past and yet at the same time I struggle with the future and wanting the instant gratification of knowing that it will be ok. In The Shack Jesus explains it best, we are limited beings, and in our limitations we allow our fear to overflow our being.


My point…I have lived with pain…allowing it to penetrate who I am, for so long, that I have forgotten who I am in Christ, in a sense I have forgotten how to fly, or that I was even created to fly in the fist place…not something He wants of me…of us.

Cherish

Change........as sure as the seasons come and go.....so we are ever changing. Constantly being shaped and molded into the women or men that God has called us to be... Sometimes change brings sweet memories- giving us courage and hope.

And sometimes that change is painful, sometimes it leaves bitter feelings, bitter thoughts But, when allowed to change, when allowed to give way to new....it turns into something beautiful, something that God wants us to cherish.

As Janye holds a symbol of changing seasons in her hands-as if a gift given to her by its creator, God too asks us can we hold change and cherish it.

In the Silence

In the silence he whispered my name....play music for me my son!
In the silence He called me His very own.
In the silence where no one else was around He sat with me and asked that I sit with Him.
In the silence I played for Him, and played for myself, and in that time He smiled down...
In the silence our spirits danced to the melody of my guitar,
In the silence He whispered to me....well done my son....well done

Vision

"Be People of Visions!" "Be People who can and are willing to encourage others to have and believe in their Visions"

Last night I had a dream....


I was at a conference table and someone passed out a picture. When I looked at the picture I saw a street, at first I thought it was some street in Africa...but thinking about it more and more, trying to draw back the images....it was a paved street.....there were a couple of people walking down the street and that was about it.....Then a man gave me a pair of 3D glasses and asked me to put them on.......... So I did.

It was shocking, I was in disbelief. Though I was still looking at the same photo it was completely different.

I saw a street littered with trash, I saw a child with a bloated stomach, they just like the victims in the concentration camps. The child was crying out to me arms stretching.......

I took the glasses off and looked at the photo, I saw a street with a couple of people walking down it, I put the glasses back on, and the image of the trashed street with children crying out came into view....

I feel two things......

That God is showing me people whom I'm serving as people who are dying, malnourished, not getting fed by the word (people who don't know Christ). They are His children crying out for help. It is as if God is asking me "will you help them?.....they are reaching out, will you help!"

And

God is asking me to view the "lost" as what they really are....Children who are starving, stomachs bloated with sin, children who are dying. They are reaching out to God, asking Him who will you send. God is giving, in a sense, His vision to me, so that I may see through His eyes.


This vision was back in April.....I've lost sight of that vision.....but a reminder has came back to me.........is it time God?

Direction

Do you ever feel that you are walking down the road, not knowing really where you are going and then all of a sudden you run into something like this............
Ever wonder what you should do......there are three commands for you to follow......one way, STOP and no right turn. And yet some how you find yourself braking all three commands.....and as you continue down all the wrong ways, you wonder if there was a reason why those signs were put up in the first place.......


Yeah kick in the butt.........you start to realize once you start running into "danger" that you should have listened to the "commands" before you decided to be a little "rebbel"