Gray

a day spent with my head in a book that I swore for two years I would never read. Coffee with someone who has turned into a friend more then anything else, and then the pain....

I found myself in the arms of a child, he came with a warm embrace, a little buddy, and as I gave him a hug, I found tears sliding down my face, I tired to hold them, but they came. To be innocent again, there are days that I long for that, and there are days that give me joy to be older that much wiser......do you see my problem?

Pain that I thought I had so cleverly got rid of. Or maybe I buried it and didn't know I had done so. Either way, I find myself convincing myself that it doesn't exist and that its not worth my tears. In return, I lay awake at night questioning God, why so much pain in the world, so much evil....and yet I've known the sadness of Gods heart, I've heard of his longing to redeem man.....so now I'm conflicted, what to do next....

And though it has nothing to do with this previous relationship, I'm deeply troubled and feel horrible for allowing the pain that I thought had been healed to seep into this relationship.


Now back to the gray, the cloudy forecast. Can green come back, be aloud to grow again? Something only I can answer.....

That's the problem with pain, it turns you into someone you don't want to be, or rather, into someone you weren't intended to be........I am not pain, nor am I drama. I long for smooth paths, paths that aren't so winding-turning this way and that....my deepest desire is to bring laughter to people, make them feel joy, and give them peace........I want to be a women of integrity, strength, tenderness, compassion, alluring, desirable, beautiful.

Yes I know more what I want, what I don't want, but that damn pain is so lingering and ALWAYS gets in the way.....